The ‘humor’ site The Onion, which is usually as funny as leukemia, finally got a story right, in spite of itself:

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride in cockroaches.

The Divine Creator, who spoke extensively with reporters about the prevalent group of insects, repeatedly stated that cockroaches have “far exceeded” His expectations for them and conveyed His deep admiration for the accomplishments of all 4,500 cockroach species.

“Cockroaches have come a long way since I first created them—they’ve really flourished over the eons and have clearly established themselves as one of earth’s great creatures,” the Eternal One proclaimed. “I admit, I didn’t give them much to work with, but look at what they’ve done with it. There are cockroaches on every continent on the planet—in houses, apartments, landfills, forests, deserts—everywhere. They are truly remarkable beings.”

“If you asked me millions of years ago whether or not I thought cockroaches would outlive dinosaurs, I would have said ‘absolutely not,’” God continued. “But, I just have to admire the little guys for proving me wrong.”

Calling the insects’ adaptability to constant environmental changes “unparalleled,” the Maker of Heaven and Earth was visibly elated when discussing the tremendous volume of vibrant, cooperative communities that cockroaches have built across the world despite possessing neither complex brain structures nor opposable thumbs.

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness told reporters that, when comparing cockroaches to other species like zebras, plankton, alligators, human beings, or plant life, He was most taken by how the average cockroach would willingly eat anything, live anywhere, and compete against any species in order to survive and reproduce.

Furthermore, God noted that in His overwhelming praise of cockroaches, He hadn’t even factored in the numerous members of the genus that have the ability to fly.

“If I had to describe cockroaches in one word, it would have to be ‘fearless,’” the Supreme Being said, smiling widely as He reflected on the continuing successes of cockroaches. “I was just watching the other night when six or seven of them scurried right across the face of Daniel Jaffe of Urbana, IL—who is something like 40 times bigger than them, mind you—and they didn’t even think twice about it. And that kind of thing happens thousands of times every day. That’s how you know they have courage.”

“And every year human scientists come up with some new formula to kill cockroaches, but I always know they’ll learn to avoid poisoned bait or develop their own chemical resistance and will still be around and thriving the following year,” He added. “Honestly, I probably don’t tell them enough how proud I am of them.”

The omnipotent entity went on to state that He occasionally wished more species exhibited the persistent willpower and determination of cockroaches, but then reminded reporters that He continued to love all of His creations equally for what they had to offer.

The Lord then added, however, that even though cockroaches live just a year and a half on average, each one had likely achieved “far, far more in its life than any other creature.”

“I presume if I made cockroaches even slightly bigger, they would be commanding the entire planet right now, no questions asked,” said God, remarking that He still wouldn’t put it past the insects to one day dominate earth nonetheless. “But what I really like about them is how they seem quite content with their status in the world. They’re satisfied with how far they’ve come and are truly grateful for what they have.”

“Cockroaches will forever be welcome in My kingdom,” God added. “That’s why there are always billions of them crawling around heaven.”