Confused by stories in the Bible?  Imagine what they’re like when you’re about three weeks old.  That’s when I first chomped into the words “Balaam’s ass,” right in my own Book of Numbers. This being the Bible, I first assumed that it was this:

But I also knew it could just be something like this:

It turned out to be this (I upchucked it just to be sure):

Some guy beat his donkey, and it refused to move.

And the book only went downhill from there.